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02 December 2012 @ 11:31 pm
Ficlet: The Prize [Original] [Mature]  
Title: The Prize
Word Count: 292
Rating: Mature
Original/Fandom: Original
Characters/Pairings: OMC/OFC
Warnings: Pretty damn dark for me, specifically [Spoiler (click to open)]serial killer POV
Excerpt: “Nowhere near as gorgeous as you,” he said and smiled, just like the voice in his head told him to.
Notes: written for writerverse Quick Fic Challenge prompts: gorgeous, automated romance

The Prize

“They’re gorgeous!” she exclaimed, delicately sniffing the bright red roses.

“Nowhere near as gorgeous as you,” he said and smiled, just like the voice in his head told him to, then held out his hand to lead her to the waiting car.

It had taken him years to develop a reliable ‘romance’ algorithm, and almost as long again to find a doctor willing to perform the cybernetic implant. But it was worth it, he thought, as the car began its preprogrammed journey. He looked at her sitting there, an insipid grin on her face as she stroked the petals gently.

She was the prize, he thought; the one this entire project had been leading up to. Every rejection, every refinement to the program, every body in the past that had left him wanting led to this night, to this girl. She smiled at him as he stared at her, taking her in one last time, looking for any last missed imperfection, flaw, anything that would ruin the perfect night he had planned. But there were none.

The program noted the flicker of concern in her eyes.

Stop staring. Lean forward, touch her cheek.

He followed the prompt and was rewarded as she rubbed her cheek against his palm. They were almost there now, he just had to keep her calm for a few more minutes.

Gentle kiss on the lips.

Her eyes closed as she responded eagerly, and she missed their entrance into the darkened warehouse. The solid thump of the garage door closing behind them pulled her out of her trance and she looked around, first with anticipation, then confusion. She looked back to him.

He shut down the implant and finally let her see him for the very first time.
I feel: uncomfortableuncomfortable
theun4givablestheun4givables on December 3rd, 2012 01:19 pm (UTC)
Oh, I like the twist here at the end. Love how there's some hints that this situation just isn't quite right and then you get to the end and it's like oh noooo, girrrrl, get outta there! Except when she realizes what's going on it's already too late and she's trapped.

I also like the idea of him having a cybernetic implant that basically told him the perfect things to do/say to get the woman to trust him and go where he needed her to go. Some people just need that extra help to not come across as utterly creepy, as I'm sure this guy did. Good job. :)
magickmoons: beachmagickmoons on December 3rd, 2012 04:10 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much for reviewing! I was really nervous posting this; it felt like quite a departure for me. But you definitely hit on the things I was trying to convey, so... whew!
pay no attention to little me.llblckraincloud on December 3rd, 2012 10:59 pm (UTC)
This concept is great. The idea that a guy would go out and get some kind of love guide implanted is just an awesome idea. This could make for an interesting series with just THAT in and of itself. The twist at the end? awesome! I would have liked to see more build to his bad intentions. Obviously you don't want to give it all away, but I think it would add more to the tension if it was built a little more.

Awesome job. Keep working on this please? Lol.
magickmoons: marilynmagickmoons on December 4th, 2012 01:12 am (UTC)
Thank you. This truly was a quick fic for me: less than an hour between conception and posting. I think I was afraid I'd wimp out if I didn't just get it posted. But I was thinking today that there was a lot more I could put in. I may have to revisit it.

Thanks for reading :)
Lose 10 Pounds of Ugly Fat...  Cut Off Your Head.n3m3sis42 on December 4th, 2012 03:11 pm (UTC)
OMG, so creepy! I love the concept of this piece. Really liked how it started out feeling almost normal but a little "off" and kind of built to the point where it felt like "oh no, this is definitely not good". You are skilled in the art of suspense and said a lot with a few words. :D
magickmoonsmagickmoons on December 4th, 2012 07:54 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the wonderful feedback! It completely creeped me out while writing it... *shudder*
liveobsessedliveobsessed on December 5th, 2012 04:17 pm (UTC)
For something done so quickly, you did a good job! The subtle build up was very well done, although I would have enjoyed a little more emotion added to the reveal. It's not something that I would normally read, however you did catch enough of my interest to ensure me to read more.
magickmoons: beachmagickmoons on December 6th, 2012 03:17 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the feedback!
shanashana0809 on December 6th, 2012 12:07 am (UTC)
OMG! That is delighfully creepy! I wasn't sure if he was a robot or a serial killer to start, and the build up is just fantastic.

It's got some great little dteails like the flicker of concern because it's so natural. I'd be concerned too if someone stared at me for too long.

The kiss making her miss the entrance to the warehouse is a bit odd for me, it seems like she should at least note the change in light of her surroundings. Is it supposed to be like she doesn't notice it's a warehouse or that they've entered some where?
magickmoons: marilynmagickmoons on December 6th, 2012 03:30 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the feedback. As for your question... it's primarily that she doesn't realize it's a warehouse that they're entering since her eyes are closed. It's a big surprise date and she's expecting they'll pull in somewhere, maybe a parking structure or something, so the change in light or sound wasn't unexpected or alarming in itself.
Danipinkphoenix1985 on December 7th, 2012 12:00 pm (UTC)
This is brilliant and so utterly creepy from word one :) What a great concept! Probably some good-intention men would use this to give them much needed confidence but I totally get how a serial murderer would use this to his advantage.

Just one thing was this THE girl for whom he was perfecting his technique (*shivers* at the thought of other girls caught in his murderous web) or was she the first girl out of many?
magickmoons: beachmagickmoons on December 7th, 2012 04:09 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the feedback. For your question - he didn't know her before he started the process; she was an ideal, a dream to work toward. He certainly thinks she is The One. But whether he will find the satisfaction he's craving is another story altogether.
Danipinkphoenix1985 on December 8th, 2012 04:58 pm (UTC)
Oh wow. Thanks for the clarification-- the story just became 100 times more creepier knowing that LOL
Mimi The Musemimithemuse on December 8th, 2012 04:52 am (UTC)
Wow! I love the twist at the end! It feels like I just read the prolouge to a very disturbing sci fi crime story! I definitely would love to see this as a novel or movie, and when a couple hundred words leads you to wanting that much more, it says a lot about the creator of the story. Great job!
magickmoons: marilynmagickmoons on December 9th, 2012 08:19 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much. What a fantastic compliment!
mihnnmihnn on December 9th, 2012 12:54 am (UTC)
Wow! This is both sweet and awkward as well as dark and twisted. I did not expect that twist at the end. It made me stare at your fic for a second before checking out the warnings and having everything click into place. Wonderfully written. The addition of mathematical equations to love and affection was pure genius.
magickmoons: butterflymagickmoons on December 9th, 2012 08:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you! This was a very different piece for me and I have been so relieved at the positive feedback.